Present day: yco (hence forth called "him" or princess fifi) and borris have decided to seek professional help to salvage their seriously deteriorating state of "Lama Love"
Scene: doctor Igors (PSYCHO- the analyst) office... Borris has been called for special one on one session to help unlock the root of his current... ahem... relationship problems
Igor: Borris you seem to have problems opening up in your joint sessions
Borris: yes well its so difficult to open up infront of "him"
Igor: well... HE says that uve been "neurotic, clingy and an overall pain in the... correct me if im wrong... arse??"
Borris: *SOB* yes....
Igor: and u say that that " he is becoming increasingly distant and murmuring abt "brass elbows" and "sociopaths with a tendency to go for the sternum" in his sleep
(Borris breaks down)
Borris: THAT LYING CHEATING SCUM!!!*hic* IVE GIVEN HIM THE BEST LAMA YEARS OF MY LIFE *snort* THAT ELBOWED HUSSY *spit flies every where* I DNT HAVE ANY QUEER FETISHES MY STINKIN LAMA PHATUSH!! A LAMA AND A.... well... MAN !!!! AND NO QUEER FETISHES!!!!!!
(igor eyes the snot... fights the urge to collect it for mashter..... with whom after years of therapy igor is finally on cordial terms with)
igor (underbreath): Mahshter will LIKE!!!...
subconscious: no young tamatar u must fight the door mat within.....
igor (cracks a smile): how abt we start frm the beginning... tell me abt ur childhood
borris: its been so long.. *SOB*.. well i guess…. It all started at evil sams rent a lama
Igor: MASHHHHTER!!!!!!!!
Subconscious: STRENGHT YOUNG TAMATAR
( Borris questioningly eyes the red faced slurring one)
Igor: ahem…..continue ( pompous accent returns)
Borris: ummmm… yes well…. I never knew my parents the only memory I have is of them ….
(FLASH BACK)
Evil Sam: AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH MINE MINE MINE !!!!!!!!!! LAMAS!!!!!!!!
Borrises long lost famalia : BAH! ( or is it mehain… borris dnt remember)
Evil Sam: LAMA FRICASSEE…. BAKED LAMA….. BANANA LAMAS!!!!!!!!
Borrises long lost famalia: ummmmmm…. Bah?
*CENSORED*
Igor: oh..... um how did u survive (looks at notes) being "slathered in butter, seared, then deglased with pakcola and served with a banana dressing"?
Borris: apparently my parents gave sam diarrhea... she moved on to ham... i suppose in a way they infected her colon because they loved me... *sob*
igor: how very nice.... (under breath: yuck... hes weeping on my bwunny slippers)
Borris: Growing up wasnt too bad... had to lick sams bunnions everynight so that she could fall asleep and i guess, the fungal infection did eventually fade.... the only thing difficult was finding her ham evreyday.... she was crazy abt the stuff..... even sold all the bwunnies because some whack job at "polly's smiley free botox shack' told her he'd make her a licensed "ham"
( igors eyes twitches)
subconscious: BUNNIES??......
Borris: i suppose "he" really knew how to play her (dreamy voice)..... i remember the first time we met.... i was grazing.... "he" was running from a taxi driver..... our eyes met and he fell
igor: Ahhh... amore???
Borris: no the guy threw a rock at "him".... Anyways he just dangled one side of pork in front of sam and i was a free lama
igor: booo hoo hoo *sniff*..... excuse me my humps been acting up... go on
Borris: well we were very happy at first....long walks in the grazing fields..spitting on all those gay taxi drivers ... *nostalgic smile* i remember when evil sam kidnapped me for april fools... i spent the night in the rain but fifi, my little "special" name, found me... he even rubbed my aching hooves *twinkle*
igor: when did things start going downhill??? can u remember?
borris: VIVIDLY *SPIT FLYS* one day he comes home and its psycho this and pschyco that and oooooohhhhhh PSYCHO HAS BRASS ELBOWS TO ASSAULT PPL WITH!!!!!!!
igor: and how did that make u feel?
borris: inadequate...under appreciated... like suddenly our lama love wasnt good enough *blows a raspberry*
* igor eyes big wad of lamaly fluid on tip of bwunny slipper*
Borris: i thought.... maybe...if i started my own carreer "he" would see me as more than his arm candy
igor: so u sang the lama song???
Borris: i was a subtle testament to our love!!!! DUCK! LAMA! KISS! but he got all possessive.... abt how he didnt like it- me parading my self like that..... i suppose wearing that leotard in the adult version of the song didnt help but... what abt ME!!! MY DREAMS!!!
( borris gears up with another lugie)
igor: RING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!oh look times up... lets pick this up in next time okay
borris: but... but theres so much more!!!!! the betrayal... the anger... the crass lama love videos!!!
igor: ull get my bill in the mail... five bunnies per hour in a check made out to tutu
( blubbering borris removed from premises by bunny/tomato hybrid henchman... igor ends up curled in the fetal position, clutching soiled bunny slippers... the trauma of bunny slippers of yester years floods in)
igor: MASTERRRR... WHY DID U RUIN THE SLIPPERS MASTERRRRR!!!!!
*DUN DUN DUN DUNNNNN*
Friday, April 24, 2009
Dr A.TAMATAR.IGOR: MBBS, FCPS, PHD,MD, toe rag of the year, and all around nice gal
Sunday, March 1, 2009
THE FIRST BANANA GETS HITCHED−HOW THE DEMONS GOT BASHED
( U DROVE ME TO THIS SAM...... I NEED TO BLURT THIS STUFF OUT TO SOMEONE AND IF U WONT PICK UP THAT PHONE THIS GODFORSAKEN PIECE OF IMAGINARY CANVAS WILL HAVE TO RECORD ALL MY STUPID GIRL TALK)
OK.... soooo my family is a lill bit co-dependent ( translation: extremely needy band of closely nit histrionics who have amazing language skills but cant seem to understand le word PRIVACY) combine that with the first wedding in the family and u get the best, most confoosid, embarrassing, tiring, hanif rajput will blacklist us, chaklala mp thinks were terrorist, we probably are, amazing day ever....
Chronicles of first mate banana:
LCAT SUCKETH: i get up at six for that piece of crap LCAT which would rather think about the happiness of our gluteus maximuses versus shittiness of our vertebras then realising 20 bata 7= No good!!!!!!( ode to bad grammar and not just for the sake of hilarity)
STILL SUCKETH: i come back from said shitty excursion as a FARM FRESH TOMATO and two little demons come screaming out "LOOKING FOR COLOGNE FORGOT TO BUY PRESENT!!!!!"
THE BANASHING RITUAL BEGINS: middle demons says " HEHEEHEEE ACHU ABHI PHATI !!!!!" KABONG!!! ( 1st clobbering with the brush)"
FOOD FOOD FOOD: Ate lunch, started playing cards.... amma gives sir inayat a run for his money... ayesha say WHAAAAH??? but my back hurts ( stupid lums!)
HANIF RAJPUT SCREWS THINGS UP: Amma screams... khala screams..... mammo bellows (very masculine)... abba resembles father tomato ( genetics ppl)..... amma says their golden runners are the same colour as human waste ( the truth is not only karwa but also disgusting)
AYESHA TRIES TO GET READY: middle demon still does not realise that am a girl
" Dhug! Dhug! Dhug!.... ashu yar darwaza kyun locked hai "
"ANEEQ!!!! im getting ready!!!"
"oh..... darwaza kyun bandh hai? "
ok, ayesha tries to get ready take two
"AYESHA MERA BRUSH KYUN LEYA!!!!"
"ITS IN UR DRAWER AMMA"
"WHERE"
"DRAWER"
"IM TAKING UR BRUSH!!!!"
* ayesha removes brush from underneath amma's nose and places it in her hand* ( amma is presbyopic:P)
take three, middle demon:
"Hina appa undhar ai hain?"
" The doors locked u imbecile!"
NOTE: just realised making demon sound like a perv... demon is lill brother... demon wanted to get his grubby hands on ayesha's Sherlock Holmes collection
(several takes later)
AYESHA IS READY!!!!
ENTER PHOTOGRAPHER AKA HITLER: ( SAMMY I FINALLY MET UR SUPREME SENSEI )
"Smile pleesss....chin up... idhar murain....ankhain kholain... round ho jain"
*Shit! how did i end up posed as a ballerina....EVIL!!!!!*
Guests come: Ayesha smile... ayesha smiles again.... mera jabra dukh raha hai... i wonder how the Cheshire cat fealt...... sociopathic dentist has ayeshas face circled in his adda " SHE DIES NEXT!!!!"
WE HARASS UMAIR BHAI: ok... so ive finally learnt that we are a pretty loud, obnoxious, self absorbed bunch ov misfits (surprise surprise 18 and i find out the meaning of my existence).... anyways, while we were constantly interrupting him ( 5th time on my last count) one of the demons bellowed
"THOOK WALI AUNTIE KIDHAR?"
Ominous silence...... "scuzi?"
"U know the one who pointed at wagha border and said dehkho india hai... THOOKO!!!"
"uhhhh... Hi Auntie long time no see... aneeq iksney on the auntiek-ey "
(ANEEQ GOT WHOPPED AGAIN...... Ayesha punch hard..eh?)
NIKAH: Misty eyed ayesha next to practically bawling amma and khalla....... ansab with a camera saying smile pleeesss (KABONG!)
FOOOOODFOOODFOOOD: Aneeq turns Hina baji aka...dare i say it?...dulhan:P into his personal waiter.... "acha glass dain.... pepsi dalain.... wapis rakhain....wat? mein ne kya kiya?".... aneeq then gets up... anounces that he managed to get through a meal without spilling any food on himself or any one in a one mile radiu....turns around...collides into a waiter....... need i say more...God liketh Irony
WE ALL GO TATA BYE BYE:................................................. i got nothin
THE WHOPPING TO END ALL WHOPPINGS: Ayesha comes into her room.... three demons picking out all of the candy from bid which has to be circulated........ "KABONGKABONGKABONGKABONGKABONGKABONG" ( i just love my thapar brush... all the hurt with minimal force:P)
ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS
Demon number one: Ibrahim…. Age 4…… supreme evil diety….neck cant support his weight
Demon number two: Aneeq…age 16…. Mental capacity -12…. Forgot to wear shoes to school once because he was..quote “thinking”
Demon number three: Ansab… age 18…. Has a driver’s license since last Thursday……*JAWS THEME*