Dr A.TAMATAR.IGOR: MBBS, FCPS, PHD,MD, toe rag of the year, and all around nice gal

Present day: yco (hence forth called "him" or princess fifi) and borris have decided to seek professional help to salvage their seriously deteriorating state of "Lama Love"

Scene: doctor Igors (PSYCHO- the analyst) office... Borris has been called for special one on one session to help unlock the root of his current... ahem... relationship problems

Igor: Borris you seem to have problems opening up in your joint sessions

Borris: yes well its so difficult to open up infront of "him"

Igor: well... HE says that uve been "neurotic, clingy and an overall pain in the... correct me if im wrong... arse??"

Borris: *SOB* yes....

Igor: and u say that that " he is becoming increasingly distant and murmuring abt "brass elbows" and "sociopaths with a tendency to go for the sternum" in his sleep

(Borris breaks down)

Borris: THAT LYING CHEATING SCUM!!!*hic* IVE GIVEN HIM THE BEST LAMA YEARS OF MY LIFE *snort* THAT ELBOWED HUSSY *spit flies every where* I DNT HAVE ANY QUEER FETISHES MY STINKIN LAMA PHATUSH!! A LAMA AND A.... well... MAN !!!! AND NO QUEER FETISHES!!!!!!

(igor eyes the snot... fights the urge to collect it for mashter..... with whom after years of therapy igor is finally on cordial terms with)

igor (underbreath): Mahshter will LIKE!!!...
subconscious: no young tamatar u must fight the door mat within.....

igor (cracks a smile): how abt we start frm the beginning... tell me abt ur childhood
borris: its been so long.. *SOB*.. well i guess…. It all started at evil sams rent a lama
Igor: MASHHHHTER!!!!!!!!
Subconscious: STRENGHT YOUNG TAMATAR

( Borris questioningly eyes the red faced slurring one)

Igor: ahem…..continue ( pompous accent returns)
Borris: ummmm… yes well…. I never knew my parents the only memory I have is of them ….


(FLASH BACK)

Evil Sam: AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH MINE MINE MINE !!!!!!!!!! LAMAS!!!!!!!!

Borrises long lost famalia : BAH! ( or is it mehain… borris dnt remember)

Evil Sam: LAMA FRICASSEE…. BAKED LAMA….. BANANA LAMAS!!!!!!!!

Borrises long lost famalia: ummmmmm…. Bah?

*CENSORED*

Igor: oh..... um how did u survive (looks at notes) being "slathered in butter, seared, then deglased with pakcola and served with a banana dressing"?

Borris: apparently my parents gave sam diarrhea... she moved on to ham... i suppose in a way they infected her colon because they loved me... *sob*

igor: how very nice.... (under breath: yuck... hes weeping on my bwunny slippers)

Borris: Growing up wasnt too bad... had to lick sams bunnions everynight so that she could fall asleep and i guess, the fungal infection did eventually fade.... the only thing difficult was finding her ham evreyday.... she was crazy abt the stuff..... even sold all the bwunnies because some whack job at "polly's smiley free botox shack' told her he'd make her a licensed "ham"

( igors eyes twitches)
subconscious: BUNNIES??......

Borris: i suppose "he" really knew how to play her (dreamy voice)..... i remember the first time we met.... i was grazing.... "he" was running from a taxi driver..... our eyes met and he fell

igor: Ahhh... amore???

Borris: no the guy threw a rock at "him".... Anyways he just dangled one side of pork in front of sam and i was a free lama

igor: booo hoo hoo *sniff*..... excuse me my humps been acting up... go on

Borris: well we were very happy at first....long walks in the grazing fields..spitting on all those gay taxi drivers ... *nostalgic smile* i remember when evil sam kidnapped me for april fools... i spent the night in the rain but fifi, my little "special" name, found me... he even rubbed my aching hooves *twinkle*

igor: when did things start going downhill??? can u remember?

borris: VIVIDLY *SPIT FLYS* one day he comes home and its psycho this and pschyco that and oooooohhhhhh PSYCHO HAS BRASS ELBOWS TO ASSAULT PPL WITH!!!!!!!

igor: and how did that make u feel?

borris: inadequate...under appreciated... like suddenly our lama love wasnt good enough *blows a raspberry*

* igor eyes big wad of lamaly fluid on tip of bwunny slipper*

Borris: i thought.... maybe...if i started my own carreer "he" would see me as more than his arm candy

igor: so u sang the lama song???

Borris: i was a subtle testament to our love!!!! DUCK! LAMA! KISS! but he got all possessive.... abt how he didnt like it- me parading my self like that..... i suppose wearing that leotard in the adult version of the song didnt help but... what abt ME!!! MY DREAMS!!!
( borris gears up with another lugie)

igor: RING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!oh look times up... lets pick this up in next time okay

borris: but... but theres so much more!!!!! the betrayal... the anger... the crass lama love videos!!!

igor: ull get my bill in the mail... five bunnies per hour in a check made out to tutu

( blubbering borris removed from premises by bunny/tomato hybrid henchman... igor ends up curled in the fetal position, clutching soiled bunny slippers... the trauma of bunny slippers of yester years floods in)

igor: MASTERRRR... WHY DID U RUIN THE SLIPPERS MASTERRRRR!!!!!

*DUN DUN DUN DUNNNNN*